Beaver Patrol
Has anyone seen a Beaver in the wild before?
The head Beaver hunter beamed at a small group of us tourists who had signed up for Beaver Patrol. She was an eccentric-looking pink-haired creature clad in expensive yet trampy-looking outdoor clothes.
My Daddy has!
The Little Lady jumped up and down excitedly with her hand up.
I winced. All my bad over-the-head jokes about having seen a million beavers in my lifetime were blatantly coming back to haunt me.
On our Easter holiday recently, we saw a sign advertising a Beaver Patrol. It wasn't starting up till this weekend and the Little Lady had made us promise that we would return to go on it.
And here we were, back up North freezing our arses off two weeks later on Beaver Patrol with a bunch of German tourists and Pinkie our chief Beaver Hunter.
Oh have you? That's wonderful! They are such amazing creatures!
Pinkie gushed happily at me.
Oh yes, they are amazing. I love a good Beaver.
I muttered self-consciously having never seen a single Beaver in my life unless you counted the vagina types.
When did you see a Beaver?
The Good Lady elbowed me and whispered quizzically as if I had just claimed to have seen Unicorns eating chicken wings from a car park bin.
Never you mind lass.
I smiled at Pinkie who was making an arse of unfolding a big map. One of the German men stepped forward to help her. I looked at his hugely thick fingers and shot a pitying glance at his wife.
So this is the route we are going to take around the loch. Can I ask you all to be as quiet as possible? We do not want to scare any baby Beavers!
She waved the map vaguely at us and motioned us to follow her.
Let's go see some Beavers!
She headed off into the brisk evening air and we set off, on Beaver Patrol.
I too have seen many Beavers.
As we neared the lochside, the thick-fingered German man fell into step beside me.
Very good.
I nodded approvingly at him.
We have many Beavers in Germany.
He had a faraway look in his eye like someone trying to shill Snipverse. Sounds good, might have to pay your place a visit. I winked at him knowingly. He nodded uncertainly as if I had suggested that Keanu Reeves had been replaced by his own waxwork dummy back in 2006. Fortunately, he was saved from further beaverosity by Pinkie who had stopped near a half-chewed tree. We can see they have been busy at work. Beavers are nature's engineers... She waffled on for twenty minutes whilst we shuffled our feet in the increasing cold of the evening. Daddy, where are the Beavers? Asked the Little Boom as he kicked at a stone. That's one of life's greatest questions young man. I patted his shoulder and made a profound face, which was really just furrowing my brow as if I was struggling to hold in my very own watery Beaver. Pinkie led us onto another tree which was a bit more chewed and blathered some shit about wetlands and dragonflies. We all stamped our feet and huffed our misty breath into the increasingly freezing air. Let's all scooch down and wait a moment, This is a great time for Beavers. She waved us to quiet and scooch down. We waited for some five minutes as the evening turned darker. Somewhere something shuffled in the undergrowth. It could have been anything. One of the Germans called out sharply. Beaver! We all looked in the direction he pointed. The Beaver quacked loudly and swam away. Pinkie stood up. It doesn't look like we will see any tonight. Oh well, maybe next time. Let's head back. She waggled her map in the direction of the base we had started out from and somewhat despondently, we all trudged after her. Daddy, was that a Beaver or a Duck? The Little Boom kept glancing back in the direction of the quacking that the German had pointed at. I ruffled the young man's hair and raised my voice so the rest of the party could hear. Well dude. If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck then it seems... I caught the Beaver spotter's eye. It's now a Beaver.
Don't google it, that way lies madness
Hahahhaha swimming and dipping doesnt make it a beaver right. (I actually thought something else when thinking about beaver involving womens genitals hahaha).. but uhh
No one ever saw them in the wild i think. It is a mystery and it is just elfs with little axes
I tell you, I spent the entire time snowing and thinking beavers like a demented teen-ager 🤣🤣
I like the elfs with axes theory, it fits much better!!
I was creating another scenario of Beaver in my mind... Forgive me God. It was mistake 😂
This should've been me (beaver) not You Duck.
Look at the size of that duck's head!!!
It's a word fraught with misunderstandings!! 😀😀
Hahaha
Indeed, !LOL 😆
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Glad it's not just here!!
You can't see him.
The master of disguise!!! He should be a private detective!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 charges nothing.
🤣 he could be a walking bush in the right place!
Hahaha !LOLZ 😂
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Bloody ducks 🤣
I have never seen a beamer as well due to geography I live :)
It would be quite the surprise to see one in your neck of the woods!!
I got a carried away thinking of all the things a snipverse might be and missed the ending. Did you catch anything?
Didn't catch a thing. Not a sniff or a snip. Bloody beavers, give me baboons any day!
I would have been giggling the entire time and probably would have made an absolute idiot out of myself.
Have you heard that couple that read the book Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber? Fucking hilarious.
I tell you, I was in the edge the whole time. A million and one jokes kept flashing into my head and because there were kids there I had to hold them all in. I thought I was going to burst!!!
I haven't heard of them, I will Google it now though!!
It's funny as fuck. I wish I had been in your head listening to all those jokes, it would have been hilarious 🤣
Lol. That is hilarious. I had never heard of it or in fact the series of them. I will have to get one just to wind up the Good Lady, she would go nuts!
Kids like beaver jokes too
Soon, there will be plenty of time for that!!!
Hahaha
This is so funny
Well, swimming seems to be one of the most difficult things to do
Hehe, cheers!!
I think they must have been swimming in the deep as there were no signs of the little buggers!
You were very good at holding back all the lines even though I know it took a lot of effort from you.
If you wish, in revenge we can exterminate the entire world population of Beavers while forcing Pinkie and the German to watch.
All it takes is your nod and let's unleash hell my commander!🥷
I think that sounds like a fine plan but given what I just experienced I think we would have trouble finding the bastarts to actually exterminate them!!
It was quite the release to finally giggle about it!! 😀
We will unleash all our strength and lure them into a trap.
If we really can't find them, we will devote all our attention to Pinkie and the German.
Pinkie and the German will be much better and more of a dry target!!
At least we would be able to tell the difference between a quacking duck and a beaver, lol
They signed their sentence from the moment they only thought they had more knowledge than You in the field of Beavers... Everyone should know of Your infinite knowledge.
There's a reason why you lead the anti-reptilian-equine army, now they're going to find out what real fear is!
Crikey, what is they are actually members of the reptilian enemy!!
It's the only reason they could not have known 😀
Yes, I too thought the same thing, we cannot grant them any thanks, it is clear that they are spies, however badly trained.
It's a known fact that lizards can't stand a good training. That's why we you don't see people walking reptiles and instead it's just plain silly dogs!
What a great commander you are!
Our reptilian extermination plan will be a great success!
I now ask permission to retire and take a nap as I am travelling.
Time optimization!
Permission granted!! Have to stay fresh for the upcoming reptilian extermination 😀😀
Thanks My Commander!
I'll be ready, rest assured! 🖖
I wondered if the PWEI song would come into this. I actually think it's a shame when regular words get re-purposed like that, but then there are a million words for private parts. It can raise false expectations.
Maybe I'll see some beaver when I go to Canada. I've heard they are friendly folk over there.
!BEER
It has been so long since I had listened to them that when I saw the sign I was really grateful because they were such a big part of my teens but I had shamefully kinda forgotten about them. So I have spent the last while listening to their classics. There were awfully good!!
I hope you do spy the odd one there! In the frigid wastes!! :0)
Oooh I don't know how you maintained your composure lol. My normal titter would have turned into a full fledged belly laugh right from the start! Isn't that the way of the world nowadays...if it looks like a man and sounds like a man then it seems......it's now a transgender athlete winning Division 1 national championship medals. We can't even believe our own eyes anymore lmao
There is nothing to be gained by believing that you eyes claim to see!
It was hard, really hard. I kept whispering jokes to the Good Lady but she staunchly ignored every one!!
Great you.
I Googled it. Of course!
*guffaw
And it was another belly laugh out loud. The landlady must think I'm mad now for sure.
Busted 🤣
But in all truth as soon as I read the first line I started laughing.
I have been laughing ever since I saw the sign! The fact that they kept repeating it wlout lots almost made me wet myself the whole time!
I was terrified I would get more of a grilling when she said my daddy has! :0D
If nobody else on that walk guffawed when she said it, I do hope you had some of that good Scottish whisky in your backpack to ease the pain of daily no sense of humor around 'ere.
Nobody did! It was the humourless walk of no fun. I had the whisky later to reassure myself that the world was still a good place!
🤣
It is though.
And next time you know...
When you're out hunting beavers, take whisky!
I can't imagine anyone who spends most of their spare time out looking for actual beavers has any kind of sense of humor at all. That was shortsighted of you :)
All things considered 🤔
I will take a bottle the next time. Then I can just get in a comfy position beside the water and wait for them!! Lol
😆
Now you're thinking!
It'll be the best beaver hunt ever. You may even be able to sell tours and take out the competition 👍🏻
I can see my future mapped out for me and it is littered with beavers!!
Hahaha haha! 🤣😆😂
Morning, you!
Can I join your trail, please?!
Are these beaver safaris expensive?
Ruinously so. I presumed for the price I would have been carried in a golden palanquin but they said they didn't have any
If they don't have those, is there a chance maybe there aren't any actual beavers?
Hate to say it but, this kind of sounds like beaver fraud to me.
You could be right, is there a number I can call you think? Maybe some Beaver Fraud line where you can bring these folk to heel. For all I know they are just really bad at chopping down trees and have decided to double up their money on it!?
I can see human teeth marks on that tree, dude. This could just be some elaborate hoax designed to cover up flaws in reasoning and a way to generate funds for an new axe, since theirs obviously broke but they still hated that tree enough to keep going.
Shit, human teeth marks? What if they are actually playing a long game and trying to lure me into coming again and this time they will bring out the dude in a beaver suit and start the hard sell to make me pay to fuck the beaver whilst it gnaws the tree?!?
This is some mad shit. You've opened my eyes. Damn them, they can go to hell!!
See. That's how they get you. Next time make the German smile and look at his teeth.
Don't ask me how I know.
His teeth of course!! I have been led by the nose on a short leash. I can see it now! Bastards. Well, Matthew I will just play along but next time I might take my cougar suit, get me some back biting action. They won't know what's hit em
As a Canadian who owns quite a few nickels, I know a good beaver when I see one. And I see a lot of beaver.
Looks like fat beavers in Canada. Over here they are reported to be mangy emaciated things
Dam things are thriving here. Got a dam almost one kilometer long and been working on it for 50 dam years. I like those dam things. Dam things almost went extinct though. People like fuzzy things and were using their fur for every dam thing you could think of. Dam towels. Dam hats. Dam mitts. Every dam thing. But then people said hey! Quit killing those dam things. And they dam well listened.
Dam dam dam!!
They lived the fur here too. So much so they made them extinct and then only in the last ten years reintroduced them here!!
Dam mess they make but apparently it's all good!
We have so much dam land here but they're not supposed to just live any dam place. Need dam habitat. Sustainable woodland. A tree that size in the picture isn't food to them. That's lumber. They want those branches up high.
If you really want to see one though, up close, just have the sound of trickling water playing on a speaker. They'll think they sprung a dam leak and quickly come fix it. But just know you won't have any dam trees left. They can be really aggressive as well but normally around water they just dive under and go home.
We did hear some sploshes. We liked to think that was them diving away. There were a million signs of them at work but not a glimpse. Shame, I write like the idea of abiggish rodent swaggering about
Could send you a few muskrats if you're interested.
Is that a gun? 😀
Close. It's like a mini beaver, or a huge rat with swimming feet and a rat tail. Lives in wetlands and builds dome houses out of reeds.
That sounds quite cool!! Apart from the rat tail. Although, I used to keep pet rats so it wouldn't bother me too much!
When they're on the surface swimming, that tail makes it look like a snake is following them. Moves side to side and makes the water look trippy. Maybe they evolved from a situation involving a snake not able to fit a rat in its mouth, but I don't know because I wasn't there.
Weren't you there though? See, Jack Mcbaniman tells a different tale
He always does that. So much for trade secrets. I invented the damn thing but didn't want to take credit and feel uneasy every time I try to explain my occupation to people.
It would be a hard one to break the ice with at parties.
Done people can't hold their water, Jack has always been tied worst
Did you know an elk is just a mobile coat rack? Engineered to be fast in case you forget your coat? Couldn't teach the damn thing to come. Just kept stealing coats. That was a costly one. And the dogs just run in circles trying to catch the bone.
I did know that but only because I bought one from IKEA. Never again. It was a total pain in the arse to glue to the wall, kept kicking and making this awful groaning mooing noise. I had to beat it senseless before pinning it up and even then it wouldn't shut up for days and kept dripping blood on my good carpet!?
They rushed production! Had tranquilizer darts that double as screws but they didn't come in on time. That's why it says, "Just kidding," under that section of the building plans.
And the maintenance cats are supposed to do the blood licking but I crossed the wires somehow turning them into self-centered manure spreaders that couldn't fertilize a garden even if their life depended on it. But they do apply a protective layer for your carpet so that still works.
See, I am rubbish at home improvements. I thought the noise was maybe a feature or something. I thought I was doing something wrong and in fact I was. Tranquliser screws... So much utility!
Beavers are just noiseless chainsaws, dude. They even stockpile the wood. I don't know why you're paying money to go gawk at my employees and a wood pile, but I'll try not to be offended.
Ok, I will admit it. I was told that I would be getting a beaver NFT. All I had to do was go pick it up.
Now it looks like I have been scammed... Again!
Reminds me of that time I bought Bitcoin. 3 of them. Really nice designs. Paid $500 shipping. I knew they said exchange was slow but it's been 2 years and I'm still waiting.
You bought them too!! I have six! Well, I ordered six. Beautiful they are, just waiting. Hopefully be soon
That's impressive. The way I look at it is like this: Sure, several thousand dollars per coin is costly, but they've been holding their value, while they keep it safe. I probably would have sold them by now. Those shipping costs, I'd pay again if I knew it came with so many other added conveniences.
Exactly, by the time we receive them out will be the bull run and we won't mind paying the sellers the extra tax to get them in the country and then the tax to release them to the local handlers!! We will be rich!!
I don't know where you get all these jokes from but it's funny man XD
If that German had been a little quiet you all could have seen what he was. Still, not seeing a beaver is not the worst thing in the world. So the little boom didn't lose anything lol.
Hehe, cheers, they all come from my fevered imagination!!
There was nothing lost but done body heat, not much gained but the kids actually enjoyed it even though we seen nothing!
I couldn't help giggling like a fool I almost drolled. This is funnier than expected. Baby Beaver 😂😂. That's right
There's a lot to laugh at with that word! It's probably the worst word to try and use in serious conversation 😀
Haha... It is. Great usage of words as usual
Thank you very much!!
You are welcome 😊
The beauty of a beaver is in the eye of the beholder, I always say! 😁
Haha, I find myself in complete agreement!! There is a beaver for everyone 😀😀
Sounds like an entire night of exercising restraint. Lol.
My jaw muscles were sore from holding it all in 😀😀
Haha I bet. So many opportunities that you had to hold back at 😅 😆
I was quite proud, lol!
beavers are the best. especially moist beavers.
lots of beavers up here in Canada, Eh.
One day soon we'll all be free beavers again!
Any Canadians who read this please join the Beaver.Social Community on HIVE.
Canadian beavers are the best. I have this on good authority.
Come all ye Canadian beavers, join this furry wet thing!!
Wow. Moistbeaver. Please tell me you're not wasting that screen name. Drop a link to your most recent Dporn post..
🤣🤣 Especially a moist beaver 🦫🦫🤣😭
Jesus they fairly made shite of that tree, what in the name of fuck were they after?
Wet beavers, wet as funk that's what you want!!
They chop them all down. The whole loch was littered with fallen trees. It looks quite horrifying at first but they assure us that it makes a better habitat for lots of other wildlife!
Oh man that would’ve been a tough time to not make all kinds of jokes. I’ve seen quite a few beavers in my day, some bigger than others! Yes I’m talking the animals not vaginas you pig!
The little man and I saw one just the other day actually, the little shit was ruining our fishing!
Bloody hell, wet had our eyes peeled the entire holiday and nothing. Then thinking going back for a patrol might have served up some results but not a peep! They must be more shy in Scotland!
Greetings to you Mr.
I saw them in action when I went to Boston to visit one of my sisters. They eat everything to make the burrows, and they are very fast. Personally, I buy castor oil to protect my hair and skin.
I have never seen a bb beaver, but I have seen the family together cutting wood to build their homes.
Beaver Rock doesn't have a lot of lyrics, just musical arrangements.
I don't even think I have seen one in a zoo. I feel like I am missing out!!
There are hardly any lyrics in that one. Just a catch-up tune of the nineties! Heck, maybe earlier!
Really that style is from before the 90s haha I certify it I am from the many years before the 70s, and '80s...
Happy day to you, Mr.🌞🤗
Ssshhh, don't let on. Let's just pretend it is the nineties and that we are forever young 😉
Of course, we are essentially eternally young and that makes us genuine, authentic, and unrepeatable many thanks 🙊🤗
You said it right sister!!! 😀😀
😎🌞 We are forever young !!!
I bet the pink hair creature had no idea what was going on 😂.
She was indeed blissfully unaware!! :0D
LoL! It's about as much of a beaver as the other things you were calling beavers so? XD
Haha, but the quacking! I guess still not to this day encountered a quacking vagina!! :0D
Hi @meesterboom, Haaaaaaa, I should have looked carefully, possibly what they thought was a duck was a beaver, I don't think even Pinkie knew exactly what she was looking for Haaaaaaaa
I don't think anyone knew!!! Lol 🤣🤣
I've seen many beavers in the wild.. normally causing problems..
BTW if you did happen to see a unicorn eating chicken wings.. lay off the drugs, unicorns aren't real..
You can't lay off the drugs man, how else can you get through the day!
Besides, I like unicorns! :OD
I saw this joke about the old television show Leave it to Beaver.
"Leave it to Beaver" June was the wife, Ward the father, and Beaver(a nickname) was the son
I couldn't stop laughing when I heard June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the Beaver last night"
Hahahah, I think I had heard of that show. It is funny how a word can be misappropriated and suddenly associated shows or books look completely wrong! :OD
You are a master at words and their use! It always surprises me how well we can misuse them! Or use them to our advantage!
Good morning, Boom!
Good morning milady!!!
Or evening as it now is here.
I do like a bit of wordplay. It makes the day brighter. Hope you are well m'lovely!
True dat!!
All is well in my world and finally getting to where I can manage a day without feeling so behind. It feels like a good place to be! I hope you enjoy you evening!
I am aiming to enjoy it immensely, starting with a big bowl of pasta!!
I am glad to hear it, it's never good being on the back foot!
🤣 And yet they made a family movie about the Beaver in modern times!
!PIZZA !ALIVE !LOL
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I suspect the pink-haired beaver hunter made those marks on that tree to make the day a little more interesting. Lol.
Now that would be good marketing for themselves! She did have some big nashers :OD
I'm happy you had a good time and were able to crack a few jokes along the way.
Yes indeed, there were many whispered jokes and nudge nudges! 😀😀
Those quacking beavers quack me up 🦆
I knew they released some in Scotland, no idea where and I have not seen any in the wild... seen plenty of the German quacking kind though!
I see the German quacking ones every weekend almost!! Lol
Yeah, they are up Crieff way, buying form any tree that stays still!!! Or at least invisible ones are 🤣🤣
"I winced. All my bad over-the-head jokes about having seen a million beavers in my lifetime were blatantly coming back to haunt me.
THAT made me laugh and I laughed again before it was done, when only a moment before I truly believed there was no way I'd laugh again for a week, my job had beat me up so bad. Glad I was wrong about that.
Sounds like a whale watching trip I gave to my hubby one time, where we ended up out on a boat of all things, out in the ocean freezingggggg...... never saw a duck, much less any whales. What a crock !
Now you know you will need to go back again, right ? Did you ask Pinkie just what percentages of days anyone actually saw a beaver on these trips?
Ooh noes!!! We are meant to be going on a whale watching trip on our next holiday up north. One even Norther than this that is!! I bet we see nothing too. Although it might be a tad warmer. Fingers crossed.
I should have asked, the way it seemed was like we were at fault for not seeing any!!
She should have done that as soon as she found the first tree 🤣 They're wild animals, they can hear people walking, and even talking low 😂 She was wasting your time out there. Next time, skip the tour, go alone with your family, have them stop talking before you see water, and find a comfortable place to sit still and watch them :) ...
This post has been manually curated by the VYB curation project
Getting them to stop talking before we see water works be a job in itself. I can't get them to stop talking for anything. I live in a constant babble!!
Maybe next year!! :0D
You'll probably not see them until they decide it's worth being quiet, unless you find a place where they're more used to people lol
!PIZZA
I think so. We were staying at the nearby loch before that night and we only say rabbits and geese even though we knew they were there
Oh, if you're actually spending time in the area, keep an ear open for tails slapping the water. The big ones will do that when angry or scared, then come back a few minutes later.
!ALIVE
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I was most impressed by, may I say, restraint and almost subtlety of the use of the word 'beaver', an animal put on earth by god to provide mirth and merriment to men of a certain age. This could have easily turned into a Chubby Brown fest, but no, humour that even the most wyke, left wing, right-on comedian would have enjoyed!
Did you go on this trip simply to write a post, I wonder? Lol
That tree though, was it a set up? It looked like someone had borrowed the MiL's favourite machete and hacked around it! How big teeth do these buggers have?
If I were the Scottish forestry commission I wouldn't know whether to flog off the machinery or employ the Mil!
Hahaha, you know when I saw the sign the first thing I thought was, this will be magic for a post!
You should have seen some of the other trees, they were mental. From the looks of the gnawing you would think that beavers were like sabre tooth tigers!
It was so close to being a Chubby Brown fest, had to hold it all in desperately. Iwonder if he is still alive?
I remembered to look for the clip! It's a week late now, so I hope no one else beat me to sharing this.
Hahaha!! Oh I remember that!!!
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I have never seen a beaver in my life, but i would love to see it once in my life.
I would like to see one too, not just the after effects!!
Mad fucking things beavers. I was about to google "Do Beavers quack?" but I am glad you cleared that up.
Don't ever Google that, who knows where it could lead.. 🤣🤣
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